How To Get Over Your Ex: The Breakdown

Saturday, July 22, 2017

I just read my last post, and I was really in my feelings, wasn't I? Talk about DRAMATIC! Obviously, I was still in love and hurt by everything that happened, at that time. I can't believe it's only been two months since then! It's really nice to look back at some things and see just how far I've come, mentally and emotionally.

Although it's been months since my break up and I'm in a way better place, I still want to tell the story of just how I got here. It's a continuing story, but a story, nonetheless. I'm also continuing this because I was getting messages from people asking "uh, what happened after your ex sent the text?".

Long story, short: things were said that should have been said a long time ago. There were issues brought up that I didn't even KNOW were issues. And that's it. Absolutely nothing positive came from that. There are many reasons why those conversations went so badly (my attitude, for one) but I'm not even going to bring any of that up.

Basically, after the text exchange, I had my very first emotional break down. It was bad. Like, really bad. So bad that my dog had to comfort me. All I was doing was sitting in my bed, typing my book, and all I remember was staring blankly at the screen for a few seconds, and then, I started bawling. All the emotions I kept in for the past month hit me, so hard.

Fast forward a couple weeks later, I stupidly decided to text my ex. Tip: never do that. Just don't do it.
I didn't get the response I was hoping for and here comes breakdown #2. At work! There are tears rolling down my cheeks while I'm trying to type numbers into an excel spreadsheet. I texted my friends like WHY DID I DO THAT?! and they all sent essays telling me to keep it together, but as we all know by now, that's easier said than done. On my lunch break, I drove my car about a block away from my job and cried--cried so much, I could barely breathe. And once I had pulled myself together, my mom called me. I tried to answer the call like everything was okay, but she could hear my shaky voice and asked what's wrong. I told her, and just broke down all over again. My mom--my poor mom. She tried so hard to comfort me and I could hear in her voice that she was hurt for me. Once I got back into work, she sent me a long text, telling me how great I am, I deserve someone who's going to love me--all the stuff a mom is supposed to say. All what she said really stuck with me for a while. But it faded and breakdown #3 happened.

This wasn't an emotional breakdown, but more of a mental thing. I wasn't happy. No matter how many pictures I posted or happy I looked in stupid filters on Snapchat--I'm letting you all know I was not happy. I was miserable, living in my own personal hell.

Depression had taken over my entire existence and I honestly don't know how I made it out of bed most days. There were times I would be happy to wake up, just so I could fall right back to sleep. I'd take sleeping aids because I couldn't stand to be awake longer than what I thought was necessary. I was carrying this heavy darkness around and it was effecting every part of my life. It was so bad, that my boss had to pull me aside at work and asked what was going on with me. I stopped caring about my appearance. I had dark circles around my eyes, my skin was dull and breaking out. I could barely smile, let alone hold a conversation with anyone. All I wanted to do was sleep and escape having to live life. I thought about quitting my job because I was too miserable to work. I was ready to do a lot of things, but never followed through with any of them.

I felt so alone.

The darkness that attached itself to me is the only company I kept. Everyone who physically saw me knew there was something going on with me, maybe not the extent of it, but they definitely knew. I could hide behind a computer and tweet about how great things are going, or post a picture with a smile, but eternally, I was ill. It actually scares me with how well I was able to pull some of that off. I'm not sure who I was trying to convince with these pictures. Other people? Or myself?

I was stuck. Unable to move forward with my life because I had no idea how to get away from what felt like a black hole, pulling me away from reality. Just imagine feeling as if  you are getting pulled into nothing but pitch black darkness, and you're struggling to wiggle your way, but with every move you make, you seem to get pulled further into that dark place. I was nearly engulfed at this point, with only one hand out, reaching for something or someone to help me.

This all hit an all-time high (or low), a couple of weeks before the LA Pride Festival. I think it's because this is something that I wanted to experience with my ex. We were supposed to go last year, but the Orlando tragedy happened, and there were a few threats on our side of the country, so we opted out of it.

I remember sitting down and just absolutely nothing for what seemed like hours, and thinking to myself "I can't do this". That was the moment I realized I needed psychological help. I had every plan to go sit down and talk to someone and hopefully get some resolution to the pain I was experiencing, because I wasn't going to last any longer in the state I was in. But before I did that, my mom had a talk with me and it was a quick talk, but a talk that really opened my eyes. I can't put it into words, but what she said to me, completely changed how I was feeling.

I'm not saying my mom cured my depression, but I don't know...her talk honestly hit me.

This all happened a little over a month ago and I'm ashamed to tell anyone it took me this long to get my shit together. I get compliments from regulars at my job, saying how happy I look (which just goes to show you how far gone I was, if people compliment me on being happy), and I've even been praised at work for my complete change in attitude. My boss told me it was like he was looking at a brand new person, and honestly, I felt like one. There is no more despair and self-loathing in my heart. I wake up with energy, I go to work with a smile, and I have a literal glow to me. I don't know, maybe it's because it's summertime, but I swear, I have a permanent highlight on my face. I've met amazing new people, traveled to new places, tried new things, and it's only been a month!

 I can honestly say I'm happy and in a good place. Don't get me wrong, I still have my down days, but it's nothing compared to the hell I've experienced in the past.

I will always have love for my ex, and I hope they're living their best life. With that said, I am living proof that time really does kill the pain.

Now, my next post will be about having a solid support system during a break-up.

Thank you for reading!

How To Get Over Your Ex: The Initial Shock

Sunday, May 28, 2017

If you read the title of this blog, and got a glimmer of hope in your eyes, then you're probably just as bad off and desperate as I once was. Or am. I'm still trying to figure that out.

There was a point where I was sitting at my work desk, with an aching heart and a busy mind, typing the words "how to get over your ex" in the Google search bar. I was hopeless. Before resorting to this, I had done everything you're supposed to do after a breakup. I tried to get my mind off my ex by hanging out with my friends, keeping myself busy with some of the hobbies I had neglected, constantly worked out, and did everything possible to keep myself from lurking my ex's social media and fighting the temptation to text them. Obviously, I failed.

No matter what I did, at the end of the day, when I'm lying in bed, with nothing else to do, my thoughts take over my head and I'm suddenly sucked into this black hole of past memories and loneliness. 

I had this whole thing written out about two months ago, and it detailed my entire breakup, but now, looking back, there's no need for me to explain it to anyone. To keep it short and sweet, my ex broke up with me after a year together because they were too stressed to be in a relationship. Oh, and according to them, they're young and have their whole lives ahead of them and a relationship wasn't for them. I get it. I guess. I don't want to get it. But I do. My ex is three years younger than me. That may not seem like much to most, but you have to understand that each stage of 20 is different. You are not the same person you were at 21 when you're 23. Honestly, you're not even the same person you were at 21 when you're 22. My ex is 21 and of course that's an age where you sort of let loose. Again, I get it.

But just because I get it, doesn't mean I can't be hurt. 

When my ex ended things, I didn't have much of a reaction. I held the phone in my hand (yes, it was a breakup text-turned-phone call), and only said what I thought someone who was getting dumped was supposed to say. You know, the whole "I wish you the best" speech and whatnot. Of course, I only wanted their best to be with me, but clearly, I can't always have my way, can I? 
I could feel tears trying to burst through my soul--tingling nose, stiffened throat, cracking voice, but I held it together because well--

Kidding. I didn't cry because first of all, I'm an ugly crier, both facially and vocally. I sound like a wounded deer. It's bad. And second, my ex was crying and if we were both crying, then it would be so much harder and who knows what would have happened.

Earlier, I mentioned I didn't have a reaction to the breakup, and that's because my ex told me they were thinking about breaking up with me and didn't know if they could be with me just two weeks earlier. They said all of this to my face. I'm not sure if anyone has ever told you they didn't want you anymore, but yeah, it kind of sucks. My ex quickly explained that they were glad they didn't break up with me and happy they drove to see me. I acted like everything was okay and put on a smile, although my heart had shattered right in front of them and they didn't even know. 

Fast-forward  two weeks later, and I'm single. 

I want to say the first two days were rather easy for me. I think because I was in denial and thought my ex would realize what a horrible "mistake" they made and want to get back together. A girl could dream, right? And then, once day three hit, I began to feel sad. It finally hit me that I no longer had the love of my life and best friend. 

Can we pause for a minute so I can tell you just how much I loved my ex? I have never fallen for someone so hard, so fast. Every single thing about them was perfection. I couldn't get enough. When I was with them, I was at my happiest. I could have bet my life that my ex loved me just as much as I loved them. I would go on, but I'd only bore you and probably get a little choked up myself, so I won't even bother. But let's just say, my world became much brighter when my ex walked into my life. The immense joy and love I felt when I was around them is something I hope everyone gets to experience.

Anyway, I was sad after my breakup. Obviously. And my sadness turned into anger once I saw how my ex was out partying and having a good time, while I'm at home, second-guessing myself and wondering what I did wrong to have someone just drop me like that. It was as if my ex didn't care about how I would feel knowing they were out doing that--and maybe they didn't. I wouldn't do that. Or at least not announce it to the public. But that is them and this is me, and maybe that was our problem.

My anger went away and then resentment started to come into play. I couldn't stand my ex. And that's a feeling I thought I'd never have towards them, no matter what the circumstances may have become. It went away, though. Rather quickly, actually. I realized I wasn't angry--just really fucking hurt. 

Three weeks later, I get a text from my ex. 

Read the next post to see how that blew into a shit storm.

And by the way, these posts aren't going to help you get over your ex. Trust me, no amount of words or advice can help you with that. However, I am here to share my story, and maybe you can relate to a few things. I only want you to know that this whole thing you're going through does get better. I promise.


Ipsy Glam Bag Review: April 2017

Monday, April 17, 2017

Another month, another awesome bag! Everything in this bag looks very useful to me, so here are my thoughts :)

Ipsy Glam Bags offers awesome samples for only $10 a month!

This month's bag comes in a cute little ticket makeup bag! There is one skincare product, three makeup products, and one makeup tool.

Ipsy Glam Bag Review: March 2017

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Hello, all! I have returned to my blog, ready to share more updates and content! Recently, I have become obsessed with beauty subscription boxes, and I thought I'd share my opinions on some of the subscriptions I receive. I am currently subscribed to the Ipsy Glam Bag, BeautyFix, and I just got off the wait list for BoxyCharm! 

This review is on the March 2017 Ipsy Glam Bag. 

First, I would like to start off by saying when I subscribed, I was put on a wait list, but I emailed their customer service and got off immediately. My bag was shipped about a week later. This Glam Bag cost $10 a month, and I think it's a pretty good value!

Here was March's bag :)