How To Get Over Your Ex: The Breakdown

Saturday, July 22, 2017

I just read my last post, and I was really in my feelings, wasn't I? Talk about DRAMATIC! Obviously, I was still in love and hurt by everything that happened, at that time. I can't believe it's only been two months since then! It's really nice to look back at some things and see just how far I've come, mentally and emotionally.

Although it's been months since my break up and I'm in a way better place, I still want to tell the story of just how I got here. It's a continuing story, but a story, nonetheless. I'm also continuing this because I was getting messages from people asking "uh, what happened after your ex sent the text?".

Long story, short: things were said that should have been said a long time ago. There were issues brought up that I didn't even KNOW were issues. And that's it. Absolutely nothing positive came from that. There are many reasons why those conversations went so badly (my attitude, for one) but I'm not even going to bring any of that up.

Basically, after the text exchange, I had my very first emotional break down. It was bad. Like, really bad. So bad that my dog had to comfort me. All I was doing was sitting in my bed, typing my book, and all I remember was staring blankly at the screen for a few seconds, and then, I started bawling. All the emotions I kept in for the past month hit me, so hard.

Fast forward a couple weeks later, I stupidly decided to text my ex. Tip: never do that. Just don't do it.
I didn't get the response I was hoping for and here comes breakdown #2. At work! There are tears rolling down my cheeks while I'm trying to type numbers into an excel spreadsheet. I texted my friends like WHY DID I DO THAT?! and they all sent essays telling me to keep it together, but as we all know by now, that's easier said than done. On my lunch break, I drove my car about a block away from my job and cried--cried so much, I could barely breathe. And once I had pulled myself together, my mom called me. I tried to answer the call like everything was okay, but she could hear my shaky voice and asked what's wrong. I told her, and just broke down all over again. My mom--my poor mom. She tried so hard to comfort me and I could hear in her voice that she was hurt for me. Once I got back into work, she sent me a long text, telling me how great I am, I deserve someone who's going to love me--all the stuff a mom is supposed to say. All what she said really stuck with me for a while. But it faded and breakdown #3 happened.

This wasn't an emotional breakdown, but more of a mental thing. I wasn't happy. No matter how many pictures I posted or happy I looked in stupid filters on Snapchat--I'm letting you all know I was not happy. I was miserable, living in my own personal hell.

Depression had taken over my entire existence and I honestly don't know how I made it out of bed most days. There were times I would be happy to wake up, just so I could fall right back to sleep. I'd take sleeping aids because I couldn't stand to be awake longer than what I thought was necessary. I was carrying this heavy darkness around and it was effecting every part of my life. It was so bad, that my boss had to pull me aside at work and asked what was going on with me. I stopped caring about my appearance. I had dark circles around my eyes, my skin was dull and breaking out. I could barely smile, let alone hold a conversation with anyone. All I wanted to do was sleep and escape having to live life. I thought about quitting my job because I was too miserable to work. I was ready to do a lot of things, but never followed through with any of them.

I felt so alone.

The darkness that attached itself to me is the only company I kept. Everyone who physically saw me knew there was something going on with me, maybe not the extent of it, but they definitely knew. I could hide behind a computer and tweet about how great things are going, or post a picture with a smile, but eternally, I was ill. It actually scares me with how well I was able to pull some of that off. I'm not sure who I was trying to convince with these pictures. Other people? Or myself?

I was stuck. Unable to move forward with my life because I had no idea how to get away from what felt like a black hole, pulling me away from reality. Just imagine feeling as if  you are getting pulled into nothing but pitch black darkness, and you're struggling to wiggle your way, but with every move you make, you seem to get pulled further into that dark place. I was nearly engulfed at this point, with only one hand out, reaching for something or someone to help me.

This all hit an all-time high (or low), a couple of weeks before the LA Pride Festival. I think it's because this is something that I wanted to experience with my ex. We were supposed to go last year, but the Orlando tragedy happened, and there were a few threats on our side of the country, so we opted out of it.

I remember sitting down and just absolutely nothing for what seemed like hours, and thinking to myself "I can't do this". That was the moment I realized I needed psychological help. I had every plan to go sit down and talk to someone and hopefully get some resolution to the pain I was experiencing, because I wasn't going to last any longer in the state I was in. But before I did that, my mom had a talk with me and it was a quick talk, but a talk that really opened my eyes. I can't put it into words, but what she said to me, completely changed how I was feeling.

I'm not saying my mom cured my depression, but I don't know...her talk honestly hit me.

This all happened a little over a month ago and I'm ashamed to tell anyone it took me this long to get my shit together. I get compliments from regulars at my job, saying how happy I look (which just goes to show you how far gone I was, if people compliment me on being happy), and I've even been praised at work for my complete change in attitude. My boss told me it was like he was looking at a brand new person, and honestly, I felt like one. There is no more despair and self-loathing in my heart. I wake up with energy, I go to work with a smile, and I have a literal glow to me. I don't know, maybe it's because it's summertime, but I swear, I have a permanent highlight on my face. I've met amazing new people, traveled to new places, tried new things, and it's only been a month!

 I can honestly say I'm happy and in a good place. Don't get me wrong, I still have my down days, but it's nothing compared to the hell I've experienced in the past.

I will always have love for my ex, and I hope they're living their best life. With that said, I am living proof that time really does kill the pain.

Now, my next post will be about having a solid support system during a break-up.

Thank you for reading!